No spouse is entitled to sex—but can years of unilateral refusal become abuse? This article argues that prolonged sexual denial in a monogamous marriage may become psychological control: one partner sets the sexual terms while the other is required to remain celibate.
Illness, pain, exhaustion and asexuality can all explain lost intimacy, but silence and manipulation can turn rejection into lasting harm.
Read SEETHINGS before deciding where refusal becomes control.
Controversy often follows this topic. Sexual entitlement of any kind grinds people’s gears. Unfortunately, something about those two words doesn’t feel right in any context, even this one.
In marriage, we make promises to each other about sex. We do. We call them vows.
We agree to be everything for another human being. We then bind the marriage in a monogamous agreement with our sexual selves. The market is closed to others.
What happens if that partner chooses not to play? Not just once or twice, but for months and years on end?
Long-term sexual denial within a marriage should be seen as a type of abuse. Ask anyone suffering from the effects of a long-term sexless marriage, and a shaky yes will eventually reach their lips. Sometimes tears will surface. If it’s gone far enough, anger could follow both.
Make no mistake, there are couples abusing each other this way, and many don’t know it, agree with that assessment, or accept it when shown. What’s worse, neither of them wants to see it that way either!
We’ve all heard about rape — an abuse that’s not only illegal but deplorable. What about sexual refusal in coupled relationships?
Where are the stats for those?
How damaging are the effects of denying a spouse their share of physical intimacy?
Abuse?
That’s a hard sell, isn’t it? It’s not really abuse. It’s more like whining and bitching about not getting laid; besides, nobody gets hurt with this, not like in rape.
Not true. Ask any victim of prolonged sexual denial. Deep down, things hurt a lot. It does. The pain goes to the core. The pain is repeated every day. It doesn’t go away.
Believe it or not, this type of abuse contains parallel elements. It’s about power. One person has it and uses it to control the other, without their permission.
Sexual denial is a human right, right?
Sure, there’s no crime in saying “No”. We teach our children “No” every day. Many schools have included “inappropriate touch” and “consent” lessons in their curricula.
Society has many discussions around “No”, but few for “Yes”.
When you’re single, “No” is workable. If you don’t like what you hear, you can find someone who is happy to say “Yes”. Monogamy and marriage alter those rules. If one person in the couple says “No” all the time, both must practice “No” every time, whether they want to or not, even if they don’t consent to it.
Married couples have their ups and downs. The frequency and length of sex will fluctuate, and this is expected. There is, however, a darker version that steps outside of this model and moves to psychological manipulation. It’s harder to identify because much can hide it. Unlike rape, it’s never dealt with because it’s not taken seriously. It never requires police intervention or goes through the courts.
In social circles, few talk about it — often forgotten or excused for other things like tiredness, etc. Conversation closes down because it ventures into uncomfortable topics.
Communication is the key.
Sure, that sounds logical, but remember: When it comes to communicating this information, one person already has the power as the sexual denier. They set the sexual tempo. They are the villain — even if their actions are done with the best of intentions. What’s needed is a way to level the field and communicate mutual needs so neither partner takes the dominant position (unless that’s part of the agreement) and takes advantage of the other.
Reasons why loving, adult, monogamous couples don’t have sex.
- Religious belief (Celibacy).
- Personal choice (Abstinence).
- Exhaustion or tiredness.
- Pain during intercourse.
- Lingering emotions from another event
- Health issues.
- No time together.
- Falling out of love.
- Asexuality.
Sexual denial: Aggression in disguise?
Passive aggressors are found here, too. They can use any number of reasons to deny sex. They’re all valid — up to a point.
A narcissistic intimacy-Nazi uses every excuse and then rotates them frequently to avoid their aggression being identified for what it is.
Asexuality is the odd one out, but that doesn’t excuse them. Avoiding sex and denying a spouse sex is still abuse. (Clearly some long heartfelt discussions need to take place here to identify and resolve the issue)
Love makes us do and say strange things. It also has us believing abuse is an acceptable part of marriage. Sexual denial is real. The question is, at what point can we say we’re being abused?
When do we say enough is enough?
-Michael Forman (Author)
–Michael (Dark Fiction. Author of SEETHINGS (the first book), free for a limited time)
SEETHINGS promises a gripping psychological thriller that blends murder, passion, and secrets of a sexless marriage. Forman’s vivid prose draws readers into a world where lightning illuminates the skies and hidden truths. As the storm clouds gather, Mitchell’s journey promises to unravel more than just the mystery of the murders.
Download eBook Here Now (Free, Limited Time)
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