His hand returns, and she brushes it away again with a loud “no“. He thinks it’s just a game and continues to play.
What keeps young men like Todd persisting when permission clearly isn’t and won’t be granted?
NO MEANS NO!
Haven’t we heard that phrase enough yet? I’ve been aware of it for fifty years. Several generations of boys have turned into men during this time, but the problem is getting worse. How does this happen?
It’s because no isn’t practised enough in our homes. Our children are raised with frustrated yeses, delayed yeses, conditional yeses, and rewarded-for-persistence yeses. They are not taught what a no action is.
To keep the peace, we give up on no too soon. We let the yes slide into a place it shouldn’t go.
The child demands a toy, a piece of candy, more television time, and our no’s turn into yes’s with persistence. No, rarely sticks.
This is why Todd’s hand keeps returning. Todd has learned not to give up because persistence wins the day. His parents taught him that.
No isn’t easy for parents. It’s a painful word to say. We don’t want tears or tantrums, so we find ways to avoid saying it. The last thing we want is to be the bad guy. That’s why a no becomes an inevitable yes.
We taught Todd well.
Firstly, parents are not meant to be worshipped as heroes. Secondly, no parenting IS HARD WORK!
And let’s not just blame the boys’ parents for not selling no to their young sons. Girls also grow up in households devoid of no actions, for the same reasons the boys get it.
They’ve also experienced the lack of substance behind what makes a no strong. No doesn’t mean anything to them either. They become no-shy, reluctant to reach for it when it’s required.
Parents need to apply the same rules to their baby daughters: Practice a no routine every day. Let them hear no and get used to its consequences. That way, when the girls grow up, they know how to use it confidently, borrowing phrases they heard their parents used on them when they were younger. The boys will remember a no is meant to stick. It’s not just a sound. It’s real.
Until we parents get over our egos and practice the law of no in our families, we will continue to see this issue grow. Sexual abuse and rape encounters will get worse with each generation.
No means no. It’s up to parents to enforce it. Expecting strangers to fix it later is wrong.
Teach our children that no is not a provisional yes. It’s a no, period.
Use it. Teach it. Say it. Make it stick. Our kid’s futures rely on it.
Read my book (SEETHINGS). No, is it’s principal theme.
Discover more from Michael Forman – Author of Dark Fiction & Drama
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