What Didn’t Happen On Their Wedding Night

Not everyone clicks together perfectly on the first night of their marriage. Sometimes the sex just doesn’t work right. It happens more than you think.

Let’s use the phrase “purity movement” in the next paragraph. It’s where sexual abstinence is meant to make sex a pinnacle moment of a newlywed’s honeymoon night. It’s supposed to be the gift of a lifetime after saying “I do”.

There are those who actively save their sex for that one special moment.

Yes, it still happens. But what I want to know is whether the results of practising celibacy bring all it promises? Don’t you want to know too? No one ever talks about the other side of this super-sacrifice. It’s all about the party that’s going to happen, not what actually happened. Do loved-up purity couples who cling to an ideal for years get their happy ever after in the bedroom?

Mitchell and Sam Felding dated for seven years. They waited until their wedding night. It wasn’t easy, but they made it to their honeymoon suite with nervous anticipation. They grinned as they rolled their suitcases through the threshold of the hotel room.

They closed the door, looked at each other, and then at the bed on the other side of the room. The expectation was electric. It had been building to this for a long time. I know, I was there.

You’ll want to hear that it was a wonderful experience — that every breath and bead of sweat was worth the seven-year wait. You’ll want to know that we made up for lost time. We soaked our sheets, messed up our bed and hair and didn’t come up for air until day three!

I would be lying if I said any of that happened.

No one should ever wait seven years to break that kind of ice.

It was not perfect. It was a disaster.

There should be a law that prohibits long-term celibacy from going beyond a year. Anything longer than this can shatter a young couple’s dreams. No one tells you that it could go one of two ways, and the second one is unkind. You wouldn’t wish the outcome on your worst enemy.

No one says that the longer you wait, the higher the expectation, the greater the fall. They tell you it’ll come naturally, but once the door of the honeymoon room is closed, you’re on your own. Anything that doesn’t work there is yours and yours alone to navigate.

If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have done it. The try-before-you-buy alternative looks much better from where I stand. Only fools would venture into a life of pre-marriage celibacy. Undoing the damage is almost impossible.

Do you want specifics?

Sure, why not? Only a few of us talk about it. Let’s get real for a moment. Let’s speak of specifics.

Let’s start with the hymen.

And that’s a highly offensive place to start. It’s why people stop talking about it so quickly. The mechanics of female sex are so damn unromantic that it’s a walk-away moment. It’s a very personal topic for me to bring up. I’ll persist with it anyway. Stay or leave. As offensive as it is, the truth needs to be aired.

That unbroken membrane at the vagina’s front door can be tough. A new wife receiving her husband for the first time can be beyond excruciating. All the lube in the world won’t change it. They say it’s part of the process. But the process can leave scars that go beyond the physical ones if something goes wrong. Remember, this moment was promised to be magical, easy, perfect, wonderful, and complete a long-term circle of responsible, adult love.

Circles and magic, eh? They shouldn’t come with so much screaming, pain, and accusations. And the start of a new life together shouldn’t be punctuated with such trauma…but it is.

This brings me to the other part of the story. What happens after the honeymoon couple ends up retreating to opposite ends of the bedroom? Listening to a distressed partner’s cries isn’t my idea of a good time.

If a celibate couple places sex on such a high pedestal based on their belief system, this honeymoon disaster won’t make any sense. For them, sex was meant to come naturally, and this felt unnatural. God promised it’d work, but something wasn’t right. Maybe God is saying that they aren’t compatible. Pain sounds more like punishment to me!

Doubt and anxiety follows.

It’ll develop pain in places that medical science can’t locate. And no moment beyond it will right that wrong. It’ll grow and fester if communication isn’t open and swift. Fear and guilt could dominate their lives. It’ll create even more anxiety, spoiling what should’ve been a loving relationship. And all of this started out with good intentions.

Our wedding night was a total catastrophe. Abstinence set us up, but reality knocked us down hard. What happened back then has infected our marriage. Our counsellor is optimistic that he can undo the damage. He thinks he can help. He says it’s worth fixing the problems, and I believe him. I want to believe him. We did everything right by the book.

I didn’t want any of this to occur in our marriage. This was not the plan.

I failed us. I should’ve severed the celibacy pattern years ago.

Celibacy was wrong for us. I know that now. I just wish I could start our relationship over.

-M