I’m Scared My Wife Will Leave Our Sexless Marriage

Dear Bel Mooney.

One night about six years ago, on my way home, I was assaulted by a drunken female and punched in my groin area.

The hospital told me that I wouldn’t be able to father any more children.

I found it hard to make love, and my wife and I were devastated. But, to our delight, my wife did become pregnant and had a lovely little boy, who is our world.

However, since the birth, our sex life has become non-existent because I simply cannot perform. I tried Viagra, but the side effects were bad. My wife’s understanding has slowly run out.

She’s often said that her need for sex is important and that if I can’t give her what she wants, she’ll find someone who can.

I’ve always brushed her comments aside and said I’ll seek further medical help. But I’m reluctant to discuss it again with my GP.

Between 2018 and 2019, six family members passed away — all men, one of them my father, whom I absolutely adored. Over four years on, I can’t even think of him without breaking down. He was the man I aspired to be, and he’s been taken away.

My wife always felt that he never accepted her, but that’s just not true. She didn’t attend his funeral, which was awkward, with my relatives asking after her.

For a long time now I have been trying to find a job. I spend most of my day scouring websites and getting rejections constantly, which I take quite personally.

But I won’t give up until someone sees I’m a worthwhile employee. If all of this wasn’t enough to deal with, I’ve discovered my wife has been in contact with a man on Facebook. He’s a martial arts instructor she knew many years ago.

My wife has always had a ‘thing’ for men who can fight and take care of themselves, but I’m a very sensitive person who’ll do anything to avoid trouble. I don’t know why she found me attractive.

This guy is separated, with children. She left her laptop switched on one night after she went to bed and I saw their messages over eight months. I feel totally sick.

I worry he’ll be the one she turns to for sex and I really won’t be able to just forgive and forget if that happens.

Her messages are always full of compliments when she hardly ever seems to notice anything I ever do.

We’ve been together a long time and I couldn’t bear to lose her. How do I approach her about this other man without pushing her further towards him?

BOB
There are many layers to your letter, which is not (contrary to a first impression) all to do with sex. In my folder titled Men, there are all-too-many sad and frustrated letters from husbands whose wives refuse sex, and I honestly rarely know what advice to give.
Less frequent are the ones where women complain because their husbands have lost interest. Sometimes, I feel there must be many underlying factors; other times I just wonder if it’s inevitable that lust disappears during a long marriage (see today’s second letter below).
In your case, I want to address some of the underlying factors and suggest that you conquer your unhelpful shyness/embarrassment and go to see your GP as soon as possible — as a first step towards addressing the underlying depression I sense in your email. This seems to me to be so important I beg you not to delay.
You had a truly horrific experience when you were attacked and are still living with the consequences, mental as well as physical. The damage to your self-esteem must have been enormous. If it is true that your wife has threatened to find somebody else because of your inability to perform in bed, then I feel nothing but sympathy for you.

While I can understand a woman’s frustration/disappointment at a failing marital sex life, surely there is no excuse for mental cruelty. I wish people would realise that what really matters in a marriage is tenderness and mutual support, not sexual gymnastics.
That is why deep love can survive disasters like a disabling accident or an illness; it does not change with circumstances.
Anyway, to add to that, you experienced fairly recent multiple bereavements, among them the loss of a man who meant the world to you. It’s interesting that you made a point of identifying all those relatives as male — as if that somehow has a bearing on deep misgivings about your own masculinity.
I’m guessing mourning has made you feel more vulnerable than ever. It sounds as if you are still suffering the trauma of grief for your father, probably made worse by the fact that your wife has (almost certainly — or is that unfair?) shown inadequate sympathy.
I confess I find her decision not to attend your father’s funeral hard-hearted and disrespectful. When we also factor in your ongoing unemployment and the constant battering to your self-confidence of being rejected — then all the ingredients are in place for an explosion, such as a descent into real depression.
I don’t say things like that lightly. It’s because I want you to realise the depth of your unhappiness that I’m pushing you to tell everything to your GP and/or seek counselling.
Your insecurity over your wife’s secret Facebook pal (he just would happen to be a martial arts expert, wouldn’t he?) is quite understandable. Like you, I wouldn’t take such a potentially dangerous situation lightly. But I wouldn’t mention it to her at the moment. You need positive development in your life — which is why I’m now going to suggest something that may seem rather eccentric.
Here goes . . . as well as immediately seeking proper professional help for all the issues you have raised, why not find out if there is a t’ai chi teacher in your neighbourhood.
Study (online or in a book) this fascinating, ancient mixture of meditative movement and ‘soft’ martial art — because I really feel that a new interest like that could be beneficial to you, doing wonders for your confidence on every level. It can provide the energy for change.

ABOUT