Has the sex dwindled in your relationship? Are you suffering from what’s known as Sexless Marriage Syndrome? Be honest. You may have a closeted asexual as a lover and don’t even know it.
How could this happen?
First, let’s get an important number up and on the table. A sexless marriage is defined as one where the couple has sex less than ten times a year. That’s the official lowdown. While ten is a nice baseline, it’s in no way indicative of what’s right or wrong in the bedroom between long-time lovers. We all have varying tastes and frequencies. Differing libidos and creativeness aside, one other explanation could answer those issues hidden between the sheets.
Asexuality.
Statistics show around 1% of the population is asexual. This number matches the gay and lesbian stats. There is one other number that I believe exists but doesn’t show in any poll. The closeted asexuals. These are the individuals who don’t admit to being asexual but tick the heterosexual box instead because they simply don’t know their deal. Shame, guilt, poor upbringing, misunderstandings, expectations, etc — cause them to believe that they are sexually normal.
A typical example of this would be the person who grew up in a fierce Christian family and assumed to grow into heterosexuality naturally — while receiving a negative education on matters of sex. For instance, Sex before marriage is dirty. Sexual thoughts are evil. Lust is bad. Desire is selfish. Sexual anything is suppressed, leaving a child to grow into an adult without sexual positivity, guidance or support. They can become asexual but don’t know what it is, recognise it as a sexual alternative, or accept it if the title is applied to them.
Living up to a heterosexual relationship model is fine if you’re born heterosexual but, if you’re anything else, there’s a chance that problems will present themselves inside a heterosexual relationship later. It’s possible for an asexual to marry, have children, play the heterosexual game long enough to create a family and then feel that sex is totally unnecessary afterwards. Asexuality settles in — and this is how their partners get caught out in what eventually becomes a celibate marriage.
Asexuality is not a disease that’s cured by a pill. You can’t repair it with drugs or surgery. It’s just a sexuality type, like all the rest. And you don’t have to be a God-fearing person to be asexual. Anyone can be asexual.
What should you do if you’re in a sexless marriage?
Seek professional help. Trust me, if one of you is a closeted asexual, neither of you will be able to fix it yourself. In the meantime, read the book below. It’s a real story about a sexless marriage — wrapped in fiction.
–Michael Forman (Author of SEETHINGS – A sexless marriage story, free for a limited time.)
Discover more from Michael Forman – Author of Dark Fiction & Drama
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Yes, my wife was a closeted asexual,but after us seeing a sex therapist, she is closeted no longer.
Hi John,
That’s a huge step. How did this revelation affect your marriage? I’m so curious to know if this has changed anything for you.
-M
It is quite early days, not for our marriage, which is 3 decades old, but for this realisation. It is comforting in some ways, as it explains a lot and helps me see that our lack of sex isn’t my fault or because I am not a good man/lover. However it is mostly heart-breaking. I feel depressed most of the time. My Christian faith doesn’t allow me to look outside the marriage or divorce her. We are not at the stage of investigating options or compromises, just feeling the feels at this stage.
My husband declared 13 years ago that he would no longer be having sex, so I’ve been in a sexless marriage and continue to feel all the pain and emotional abandonment that goes with it. I am 68 now. I resent that I was told so late in the marriage. I spent 10 years thinking it was my fault and trying to fix it. I wish I could leave and start new but I have nowhere to go and feel like it is too late for me. I really hate him. We rarely speak and live on different sides of our house. I spend my days alone and in emotional despair.
Really sorry to hear that Diana, that sounds a really sad, even tragic, situation. I am still hoping, that in my marriage, we can come to some kind of compromise, as regards sex. Some things she’d be happy to do, that would also bring me some satisfaction.
Hi Diana,
That’s an awful place to be. And now you’re locked into place for better or for worse.
You’re not the only one in this position. Many are riding the second half of their lives chained to a spouse who won’t play. In your case, he’s told you what the future brings. Others don’t get that kind of forecast. I understand why you hate him. And you have to look at him every day. -Michael