Understanding Low Libido: Causes and Solutions for Men

A desperate UK woman says, “He wants to marry, but we never make love.”

After my divorce five years ago, I had a three-year relationship with a man who had anger problems, but we had an amazing sex life. I have now met a wonderful man under a huge amount of stress in a very responsible job.

He is in the middle of a divorce and struggling to keep his head above water financially. When I had an accident and was off work for three months, he was fantastic, doing all the cooking, washing, and looking after my teenage children – but our sex life came to an end. When I questioned him, he said picking up my dirty laundry had put him off.

He wants us to get married and buy a house together, which would be lovely, but the lack of sex worries me. If I mention it, he says, ‘Stop going on about it.’

Will it ever improve? I am always telling him I love him.

I suspect he is using this as an excuse to avoid admitting to himself and you that he has a problem with a lack of libido. An increasing number of men are suffering from a low sex drive, but many are reluctant to admit it or seek help – often, they see it as an admission of failure. He is stressed in his job, has financial worries and is getting divorced – all of these can affect a man’s sex drive.

Alternatively, there could be physical causes, such as diabetes or low testosterone levels, which can be treated with testosterone injections. Some prescribed medications, such as beta-blockers and antidepressants, as well as depression itself, can contribute to this problem. So, encourage him to see his GP to try and sort this out before committing to marriage.

I love him, but he won’t commit.

I am in love with a guy I have been seeing on and off for four years. He says he can’t commit to a relationship but that my love is not unrequited. I am 17, and while I know he is seeing other girls, I am not sure I want to move on.

A new boy has asked me out, but my heart is not in it. Should I date him, or would that just make me realise that no one can replace the boy I am in love with?

Telling you your love is not unrequited is like dangling you on a string. He wants you as a girlfriend, but he also wants to be free to play the field. So, as you love him so much, if you continue the relationship you will just get more and more hurt. This other guy is perhaps not someone you are going to fall in love with, but going out with other men, seeing your friends and having fun is a good way to fall in love again; in time, he left me hurt and in debt.

I owned my house outright then stupidly I allowed the man I loved to move in with me. After seven years of insisting he would never marry, he suddenly changed, and it became a rush to get me down the aisle. I was taken seriously ill, and it did not look as though I would survive. The illness is ongoing. He then bullied me into taking out a mortgage so that we could have ‘a few luxuries’. This kept happening until the money ran out. Then, last year, he walked out and now refuses to pay the mortgage, leaving me to face eviction. He moved in with another woman with money and her own home.

Reply

To walk out on you when you are seriously ill and in debt is absolutely appalling. I am so sorry. Please contact your local Citizens Advice Bureau (CAB). They can advise you on how to deal with the mortgage company. They may be able to offer advice on renegotiating to reduce your monthly payments and pay off your arrears.

They could also tell you whether you are entitled to welfare benefits or tax credits. Perhaps your mortgage company will take into account that you are seriously ill. For more information, visit the mortgage arrears section on the CAB website adviceguide.org.uk.

ABOUT