Accepting Rejection in My Sexless Marriage

You’ve probably heard no more times than you can count. You’re sick of it. Hearing the word no or seeing the actions is frustrating.

You know the feeling well. You’re uncomfortably used to it. You’re not happy about having to accept things this way but what can you do? You’re committed to monogamy. There is no where else to turn.

You’re not the only one who feels this way.

Thousands of people like you experience sexual rejection in their marriages every day and just don’t know what to do about it after it happens. Your partner is withholding an important part of life from you, and you feel like you’re stuck with their decision to go without sex.

They say no and you must abide.

Rejection is a terrible feeling. It’s one thing for strangers to reject you, but if a spouse does it, it’s crushing. Your marriage is supposed to be a safe place. You’re supposed to nurture each other. Rejection is a hurtful thing for them to do.

I bet I’m like you. Rejection is something I don’t like and deal with very well. And when it comes to rejection on matters of intimacy, I hate it. I don’t know where to go or what to say afterwards. It makes me feel annoyed and disappointed, but most of all, it makes me stop asking for sex. By not asking, rejection doesn’t get its opportunity to rear its ugly head.

My advice for you to stop asking for sex from your spouse to save your sanity is poor. It’s better to try than abandon trying altogether. You can’t just give up.

Sure, but realism makes it practical. It’d be far more helpful for me to advise you on how to take up a new hobby or to get therapy on ways to deal with rejection – for I have no clue on how to ask for sex in a way that guarantees:

1. A yes; or
2. To turn a no into a yes; or
3. A way to deal with the rejection should the answer become and remain a no.

After four years of marriage counselling, I never found a suitable hobby or technique that replaced sex or diminished the effects of sexual rejection. I was stuck in the same place I was in before I started therapy.

My wife did say one thing one time that made me stop and think. Her statement may apply to you. It might be information you’ll find helpful in your quest to improve your marriage.

She said that not all of her actions that I interpreted as a no was a no. Apparently, I misunderstood and came up with the conclusion that was totally wrong.

Let’s talk about that for a minute – because it’s entirely possible that the signals you’ll be receiving from your spouse are being screwed up along the way. They actually mean to say yes when everything they do and say is a no.

How does your spouse gesture a no when a verbal no isn’t forthcoming – because it’s the nonverbals we’re talking about the moment.

Verbal nos are obvious, right? They can’t be misunderstood. Everyone has heard that no means no.

The simplest and clearest non-verbal no for me was a gentle smile and then a shaking of the head from side to side. When that was upgraded a year or two later, her eyes would close and then the head would move away. Another upgrade sometime later was rolling her eyes and then turning back to a book she was reading.

The version I saw towards the end of the marriage was the easiest for her to produce.

A momentary glance at her watch and then a look of disdain. She figured out how to achieve the best conservation of energy on a subject she wanted nothing to do with in the first place.

I didn’t misunderstand a thing.

Your partner might not do it that way. They could fold their arms or, walk away, they might include both of those actions. Picking up their phone, or turning on a TV, or a radio, often ends a discussion quickly too.

Rolling of eyes, looking away, walking off, changing the subject and just plain ignoring the topic, are all popular ways to perform a no action. Tell me how your partner shows their form of rejection. I want to hear how many ways people can avoid saying yes. Tell me what you’re seeing in your partner’s body language.

The way I knew I wasn’t misinterpreting a thing was history.

At no time did my wife adjust a misinterpreted glance look of disdain or a shake of her head. Once she revealed the issue in the counsellor’s room, she wasn’t ready to alter her behaviour or amend misunderstandings if and when they cropped up.

At no time did my wife initiate sex when our marriage was identified as being sexless. She was happy to forego intimacy, and any reason to keep it that way sufficed.

There were no misunderstandings on my part.

I think I got it perfectly right.

My issue wasn’t with misinterpreting looks but what I did with those incessant nos, and I could place some of the blame on the way I was brought up.

When I was a young boy, about seven or so, my mother said one important thing to me: No means no.

In the years that followed, she repeated it many times over. She believed men had the power to control themselves when it came to women and what happened behind closed doors.

I think she had a bad experience when she was young.

No means no; she said over and over again.

It means what it sounds like: No sex means no sex. It’s a no, and it’s always a no.

I heard no lots of times but never understood that a yes can be hidden in many places. Yes isn’t always spoken aloud – she never said anything to me about yes. She never said anything to me about maybe, or silence. It was always no.

My mother’s fears became mine. I went looking for nos when they didn’t need to be there. I somehow became attracted to no and found a mate with so many nos I couldn’t resist her.

That was my problem: not interpreting what clearly was my wife’s desire to remain celibate (asexual).

It makes sense to anyone listening to this podcast that my marriage was not going to work. But nobody enters a marriage thinking it won’t, just as nobody expects the marriage to become sexless for any reason.

What happens between I do and ‘Til death do us part is anyone’s. Guess. Everyone has their own tale – and if the intimacy dries up between points A and B, it can have the same effect. The one who wants sex but can’t get it is left hanging out to dry.

It’s not surprising that secret affairs enter into the mix – just to make life a little bit more bearable.

There is one way you could deal with the constant rejection of sex in your marriage. Divorce.

Divorce your spouse and start over again.

It’s rejection from your side.

To reject the way your life has become. To reject the marriage’s faults.

It will be a sad and difficult time for a while, but at least you won’t be hearing your former spouse’s many ways of saying no to you.

Think about it. Your sexual prospects won’t decrease.

Without rejections slapping you in the face every day, you’ll have a chance to improve your self-respect. In time, you’ll get back on your feet and do better for it.

That could be the ultimate way of dealing with rejection. Deal out some rejection of your own and finish it. It’s been building. And it’s not a crime to reject your partner. I did that and some things improved almost immediately.

The one thing I remember was dreaming. I hadn’t dreamed for such a long time. And I never knew. Too many nights of torment and disturbed sleep kept my mind from resting in the ways that it needed to clear the junk from it. It was like a backed-up toilet.

Dreaming released the pressure.

It took time, but I would eventually get to seeing and thinking straight again. There was a lot of other junk to clear to get to the other side of it, but that’s another discussion for another day.

I got clear of the marriage and began writing a book about the experience.

You can read a free copy (for a limited time) of it right now. It’s called SEETHINGS and is available on smashwords.com (by Michael Forman).

Every digital format is covered, so you can read the book within seconds.

It’s a novel. That means I’ve covered real identities with fake ones to protect the guilty. Some events have been bent and twisted so the light doesn’t show through them so much (who needs that level of transparency?). You may even see a little of yourself inside the story.

If you’d like to comment on this post or any other please drop me a line below or at michaelformanwriting.com.

-Michael