Do you want to know how dry your relationship has to be before you can call it a sexless one? The answer is: Less than ten times a year.
All searches on this topic produce similar outcomes. Dr Phil.com reports:
“15 to 20 per cent of couples have sex no more than 10 times a year, which experts define as a sexless marriage.”
There, you have the answer you were looking for without having to browse hundreds of sites and thousands of bits of text to get it. But it might not satisfy you. Your sexless situation won’t change because of this revelation.
Maybe the number you were hoping to find was different. Some will say it’s too high, especially those receiving a partner’s accusation. Others will say it’s too low and needs reassessment to be realistic.
Forget about the number. The number isn’t the real issue, anyway.
When someone is looking for a number, they’re measuring their feelings. They know something is wrong and want confirmation. The findings might then be used in future discussions. That discussion would go something like: “See? That’s what’s normal, and, as a couple, we’re subnormal!”
Unfortunately, what looks like a discussion device to one person can sound like a weapon to the other, so the usage of said number must be handled delicately — and remember, the number isn’t the real issue here; it’s about the differences between people’s sexual needs.
Sometimes, the cause of sexless relationships can be attributed to busy and stressful lives, lack of respect or the like. No matter the source of the problem, the issue isn’t what everyone else does; it’s what we’re not doing. A married couple can go without sex for months or years at a time, and as long they are happy with this order, it’ll have no adverse effect on the marriage.
Beware: The number can work against what you’re trying to achieve!
A for instance, when the number is unhelpful:
Let’s say you want it 5 times a week, but your partner only provides once-every-two-week opportunities. You might easily consider that you’re not getting any and tagged yourself in a sexless marriage stereotype. You find from this post the number makes you look like a raging nympho. You’re not. You’re both on the high-frequency spectrum, but one of you is still higher than the other. The differences are the problem, not my number. My number is the lowest you can go before your sex falls into oblivion.
Here’s another for instance:
One couple I spoke to, who previously had sex nine times a year, had read the statistics and then talked about this number through their counsellor. “Less than ten times a year?” She asked. With help, they enjoy a whopping eleven beautiful encounters a year! They are no longer in a sexless marriage. The offender is off the hook, and everyone is happy!
Let’s be honest: The one who wants sex least in the relationship controls the sex in the relationship.
Boom!
There it is. I’ve said it!
Take a moment to think about that revealing fact. The one with their foot on the brake sets the pace. Some won’t agree but others are nodding their heads, knowing precisely what I mean. Their lover has control, and they have to go along with it.
We may say something in their defence: ‘Well, I’ve done it times when I didn’t want to, to make him/her happy.’
But that only bolsters the argument.
Admitting to releasing sex in doses is an acknowledgment of sexual control. If we can do it, so can they. And they do. They just happen to do it more!
So, what do you do about a sexless marriage or relationship?
Monogamous marriage is not easily practised. It relies on one person to meet every need of the other for life. When that doesn’t happen, we’re at their mercy and whim. For many, that’s not good enough. It is not right for one person to have so much power. The imbalance is verging on abuse.
The other option is to open the relationship and expand the possibilities, but that’s another discussion for another day.
-Michael Forman (Author of SEETHINGS)
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A Sexless Marriage
Five Random Victims
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Interesting read…look forward to reading more
Reblogged this on TruLovExists.
“The one who wants sex least in the relationship controls the sex in relationship.” Yes, this, absolutely! I have told my husband several times that he has all the power and control of our sex lives, and yet he seems to think that somehow is not true.
I found your take on the magical number interesting. As someone who had zero sexual encounters for twenty years of our marriage, I considered that a sexless marriage. When I first encountered the number “10” as the indicator, I was indignant and bitter. How could someone who had sex almost once a month consider that sexless?! I was certain that I must be experiencing more emotional pain than someone who had sex 10 times in a year! And then somehow, knowing that number, I had to re-categorize the first five years of my marriage where we did have sex a few times a year. That was not helpful either. I have since become more understanding and compassionate of all partners who are challenged by and struggle in a marriage with a partner who is not as interested in the sexual aspect of a marriage as they are. It’s tough. Beyond tough really.
Great post 🙂