Want to know how many couples are in sexless marriages at this very moment? Are you curious to know something about the success/failure rate of sexless marriages — those that get back on track versus those which end in divorce? Are you concerned about which age groups are affected most by a lack of physical intimacy and those who are getting all the action?
Let’s wrap it up with one statement that probably summarises everything that’s on your mind: You want to know if your sexless marriage is going to be sexless forever.
It’s a living nightmare without physical intimacy in your marriage — and when there’s no logical reason for it to be that way. Poor health aside, you’re meant to be a sexual couple. Unfortunately, your spouse is just not available that way. They give you reasons not to engage in sex, roll their eyes, check their watch, go to bed, complain, whine and make every excuse to dodge it. They push you away and the rejection is slowly killing you. I know that feeling well, it very nearly killed me too.
The numbers have been pouring in ever since the podcast began. I get real-time information sent to me as it occurs on the ‘Net. Real-time data is fantastic but it’s the cumulative figures that tell me what’s really going out in the community. Those behind-the-scenes traffic numbers have created an extraordinary set of new sexless marriage statistics that I am now prepared to share with you.
- 21% are female.
- 65% are male.
- The remainder is listed as sex not specified or non-binary.
Now let’s look at the ages of people who are in sexless marriages.
- A whopping 62% of them are aged between 35 and 59.
- 21% are aged 18 and 22.
- Ages above 60 are least represented.
- Ages between 23 and 27 are also low.
Remember, not everyone who is in a sexless marriage does online searches for content relating to this subject and, of those who do, fewer will come and listen to a sexless marriage podcast. These numbers simply represent a part of a small but well-screened, secret online cohort moving around the Internet, looking for material related to a problem where there doesn’t seem to be any easy answers.
In truth, some won’t make it this far because they’ll refuse to search for anything on the topic. To do so would be like admitting defeat or encouraging bad luck. These people aren’t represented in my statistics but should be.
Similarly, when we look at the statics posted by larger groups than mine, we’re only seeing the results of respondents who agree to share their intimate lives with strangers on a polling sheet. Some lie. The numbers get further skewed if one half of the couple chooses to tick the box that says “Sexless Marriage” but the other does not. That person thinks there’s sex in the marriage because they recall having it at some point. This alters the 100% statistic and immediately halves it!
My ex-wife was like that. She was adamant about our sex life. “Everything’s fine,” she replied to our counsellor. Four years of therapy where the topic came up all the time didn’t alter her answer. We had a sexless marriage for over a decade but she still said sex was fine. My marriage was one of those magical 50% sexless marriages. One in two people in my marriage had a sexless one.
Sometimes our partners just don’t want to know.
This leaves me wondering if the problem is far higher and we’re actually at pandemic proportions. Who knows, if we’re truly honest about what doesn’t happen between the sheets, 80-90% of marriages could be considered to be sexless at any one point in time.
What does this mean for you and the future of your marriage?
At the most, if you two can’t agree on sex, there’s very little you can do about it. You can’t force them to see it your way so you’ll probably keep on looking outside your marriage sphere for answers. You’ll continue to do online searches, read self-help books, visit forums, blogs and the like. Maybe you’ll seek professional help. That’s okay. If it means going outside the marriage for sex itself, I totally understand too. Clearly, there’s nothing inside the marriage that works. Outside is all that’s left.
Sure, counselling is an option. I recommend it. I’m a big fan of saving a marriage. I/We did counselling. I wanted to fix the problem. Counselling didn’t help.
What did I do to fix my sexless marriage?
I ended it.
Scary, isn’t it? Those three words are as powerful as I love you except they don’t come with the same happy-ever-after warm and fuzzies. There is a certain sense of coldness that surrounds them — but it’s already cold, right?
Yep. Cold. Feezing.
My real happy-ever-after came a year after the divorce. Fortunately, I thawed out. I met another person and we’ve been together for almost twenty years. We make love, hold hands, play together and giggle every day. In my spare time, I talk about the horrors of having a sexless marriage to people like you through my book.
No, it’s not a self-help book.
It’s a novel that has themes about sexual dishonesty between married couples. Its talks of the private war you fight within yourself when your marriage is sexless. It’s about the lonely journey you endure when being rejected over and over. It speaks of keeping your shit together while maintaining a facade for others, including your spouse. It’s about looking for answers and not liking the results. Some of us turn mad and can’t see reason anymore.
My novel is pseudo-biographical. A lot of my personal life went into it. Mitchell Felding is the eyes and ears of this sexless marriage story. You’ll get to sit right beside him and hear what goes on behind closed doors — both in the bedroom and the counsellor’s office. You’ll get to go right between the sheets and find that what occurs there is somewhat familiar. There’ll also be some new horrors. I guarantee them. You won’t see everything coming. They may be a part of your distant future.
The book is free (for now) and you can pick it up at Smashwords.com. All I ask you to do is leave a comment on my Goodreads page so others in the same situation as yours can make the same discoveries you did. This is what the book looks like on the site:
Good on you for staying with your sexless marriage and making it this far despite the pain.
I listed to your podcast today. I’m a female in a sexless marriage. I realize I need to let go and that looks like stages. I have a child from another relationship and she loves my current husband so it’s really hard to think of destroying that bond. But I know whatever his demons are that keep him from having a sex life with me he’s never going to be able to deal with them.
Hi Jess,
I’m sorry you’re where you are. It’s a slow and silent kind of torture, isn’t it? You must’ve had a sexual relationship with him at some point… or was he always like this?
-Michael