Getting freaky on the frontier is the next step in great human endeavours! Candidates are currently in the Mars Space Program, training for this historic moment!
There’s a lot of talk about humans going to Mars. There’s so much, it’s got me thinking about some of the more important issues, like space sex. Oh, come on. It’s natural. Someone will want to be the one to say they did it first, right? Love will find its way, even a billion miles into the blackness of space (especially because it’s a billion miles into the blackness of space).
But without gravity to keep couples, umm, connected, how does one make whoopie there? We’ll want to know if an orgasm is better. Is fertility higher in zero gravity? Who will be the first to find out the answers to these extremely important questions?
Don’t laugh. You may have overlooked them, but I haven’t. I’ll explore these hot topics for you (just look over my shoulder if you don’t want to be seen to be interested).
What does space sex look and feel like anyway? Being up there for months at a time would allow one to, umm, address those issues. Rest assured, there’s at least one male and one female right now, here on Earth, who are in training for a future Mars mission, with or without direction or orders, who will make it their business to be the very first space-bangers, just so they can be the ones to say they did it.
It almost makes me wish I were on that team! (What? I like space too! The other thing is just a bonus! Honest!)
And what about the next logical step? Conception? What proud, new mother wouldn’t want their child’s birth certificate to be the first to read: Place of Birth, Mars.
Yes. That’s right. This is very real. It’s as real as it gets. There will be competition for this. Believe it. Humans can’t help themselves. I bet there’s a long, long list of silent but eager would-be mothers ready to conceive and give birth to the first real Martian!
The most important question of all: Will there be cameras on board to capture the beginning of this historic event?
You’re laughing again. Stop! Sex is serious business. Stop it!
Yes, cameras will probably be a part of it. Frontier f*cking wouldn’t be off-limits. Cameras are already part of everything else we do. Why not record every square inch of the interior of the ship, for every second of every single day? And there’s no way a Mars ship will make it across such a large void without some kind of hanky panky going on.
Performing a public sex act puts me off too, but that’s only my opinion now – I’m not a squillion miles away from Earth living with a stranger inside a tin can. I may change my mind after three months afloat! Cameras may be the least of my worries by then!
Space-X is a private enterprise, right? Why not sell the footage to make a dollar or two? (NO, NOT ON PORNHUB, you deviate! I’m talking about it for science and education purposes!) Researchers may want to study the action of space sex, its successes, or problems encountered before, during and after coitus. Do couples need a special bed? Do they require elastic straps to hold their bodies together? Will the couple produce more duodecaplets due to Mars’s lower gravity?
Here’s another speculative quandary from the future children of Mars.
Which baby of a multiple birth outcome will claim to be the first one born on Mars? You can’t say you’re the first Martian child if eleven of your brothers and sisters have certificates showing the same date as yours! You’ll be special, but not as special as you could’ve been. There will be fights, tears and long therapy sessions in the years to come.
Okay. Let’s not go crazy, yet. Martian kids are a long way off, much less giving birth to duodecaplets. There are more interesting issues to address.
- Space love.
- Space dating.
- Space courtship.
- Space one-night stands.
- Space ghosting.
- Who puts out the space bins?
- Who does the spacey dishes?
- Open relationships.
- Space threesomes.
- Jealousy in space.
- Getting a Martian divorce.
- Who gets the keys to the Rover?
Right. I’ll leave this here for you to ponder.
–Michael (Dark fiction. Author of SEETHINGS (the first book), free for a limited time)
SEETHINGS promises a gripping psychological thriller that blends murder, passion, and secrets of a sexless marriage. Forman’s vivid prose draws readers into a world where lightning illuminates the skies and hidden truths. As the storm clouds gather, Mitchell’s journey promises to unravel more than just the mystery of the murders.
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