We thought abstaining from sex would bring us closer, but what actually followed was one nightmare after another. It didn’t work out.
Seven years. That’s the answer to your question. Before we tied that knot, we had seven years of celibacy. We weren’t intimate in that way for seven years. It’s crazy, I know, but we loved each other. We made promises. Sacrifices were upheld for seven whole years!
It started out fine. The sexual separation enriched our relationship. We became good conversationalists, enjoyed meals with friends and worked on projects together. After all, love isn’t all about sex, right?
On paper, that sounds like a perfect plan. Talking and project planning is romantic. So what happened, you ask?
Celibacy became a habit. By the time we were ready for sex, it’d become a strangely foreign concept. Not only that, it was a painful, anxious experience, emotionally and physically. Seven years of celibacy quick;ly led to a sexless marriage. We went right back to our celibate routine for comfort and safety.
We took our problem to a doctor, but there was nothing to find there. She suggested a counsellor. For four more years, we struggled to broach a topic we avoided. There were tears. Hearts were broken. After eleven years of marriage, we called it quits. We never had children, and we haven’t spoken to each other since the divorce papers were signed.
Post-divorce.
Now that time has passed, I believe it’s important to pass on the knowledge I gained about practising long term celibacy.
Sex isn’t supposed to be a big deal… like food isn’t supposed to be a big deal either.
But when you haven’t eaten for a while, food becomes a big deal quickly. A monster grows. Soon, you crave food and obsess over it. Abstaining from food doesn’t make the meal more nourishing. Starvation only warps hunger and distorts expectations.
It’s not right to abstain from sex for long periods of time. Holding back only twists things and ruins life’s natural order. I’m not suggesting that we jump into bed and feast on each other’s flesh right away. What I’m saying is celibacy can create real problems of its own. It’s not the spiritual answer it promises to be. It’s more important to unpack our sexual offerings to our opposite than to conceal them until the nuptials.
Life is long and the wedding night isn’t the time to find out that we can’t share our sexual meals with each other and find fulfilment in them. Celibacy can destroy what could’ve been a beautiful thing.
–Michael Forman (author)
Discover more from Michael Forman – Author of Dark Fiction & Drama
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