Lust and sex, we’re constantly reminded, are far from the preserve of the young.
Just ask Dame Helen Mirren, who pronounced her sex life “great, just wonderful”; a step up from the ‘‘paranoid and empty’’ encounters of her youth.
Not only are happily married older couples supposedly swinging as madly from the chandeliers as their children, but silver singles are on Tinder, too, these days, having affairs via the Ashley Madison website or shopping till their arches drop in Agent Provocateur.
Indeed, psychologists and doctors positively urge us to ‘get it on’ as often as possible as we get older for the good of our mental and physical health. Moreover, a ‘‘Sex Census’’, jointly funded by Relate and Ann Summers, suggested that most of us are so bogged down in our thirties and forties with mortgage payments and childcare that it’s only when we hit our fifties that all systems are truly go. Sexual confidence, it suggested, peaks between the ages of 60 and 69.
Yet, can this riotous image of free love among the Hip Op Generation be the full picture? Not according to a new survey, out yesterday, which found that one in four couples over 50 never make love at all.
If this finding sounds bleak, additional research released alongside it should leave us all feeling a bit brighter. The ‘sexless seniors’ surveyed agreed that despite the apparently chilly nights, they couldn’t be happier—revelling in the renewed space this gave to companionship, conversation, and humour in their relationship.
Cari Rosen, editor of the website Gransnet, which carried out the research among 634 of its users, aged 51 to 85, said: “While passion is undoubtedly important for most people, it turns out that the glue in successful long-term relationships is compassion, kindness, generosity and friendship – which is advice that people of any age can use.’’
Yorkshire-based housewife Clare*, 54, certainly agrees. She and John, also 54, have been married for 19 years but haven’t been intimate for the past eight.
“It’s funny to think back on the early days of our relationship and realise how important sex was to us both then,’’ she says now, describing their sexual attraction and adventurous physical relationship as the “glue” that initially bound them together after they met at work. “I always joked that I noticed his beautiful bum before I even saw his face.’’
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If neither partner is botherd by a sexless arrangement, then fine. The problem comes when one partner has desire and the other partner refuses. Trust me. I know. It sucks and can destroy a marriage.