Steps to Safely Exit an Affair

A sexless marriage is one reason why half of a couple will find themselves running into the arms of a stranger. But what do they do after the affair has run its course? Is there an easy way out of it that saves face and everyone’s feelings?

Let’s assume that this post isn’t a debate about whether affairs are right or wrong. (Yes, counselling and divorce are nice alternatives too. We got that). Let’s say, not everything is that easy or so black and white. We’re about to explode if something in our marriage doesn’t improve right now. Along comes a hot mate who sees us and appreciates our sexual potential. What happens after that line has been crossed?

First. Not every affair needs to end. Sometimes arrangements can be made whereby both parties settle on terms that allow both every freedom to remain in the affair and their respective marriages. (If my callers are anything to go by, it’s not unusual to hear of arrangements lasting for years at a time). It’s nice if we can work out such an arrangement too but it’s not always possible. Our hearts can play tricks with our heads. If one person wants more than the other can give them, then that’s the time when conflict and complications arise. If things turn sour, things can escalate. How do we protect ourselves if the worst should happen?

More importantly, how do we get out of the affair if it comes to requiring an immediate exit?

• Arrange a round table discussion with our affair partner, explain everything to them, shake their hand, smile and thank them for the good times. Get up, leave and don’t look back.
• Write them a note explaining how you need to end the affair and then drop it on their pillow while they’re taking a shower, just as you’re heading out the door.
• Get a friend to deliver them the news and then have them say you’re sorry.
• From a great distance, text them “it’s over”.
• Do nothing. Be a ghost.

Firstly, affairs don’t happen by accident. Even the most naive of us — those of us who say our affair wasn’t planned — know that we’ve thought about having an affair at least once before it took place. Don’t mistake naivety for inexperience. For the pros, the best affairs are well-planned. There’s a conscious thought process behind each stage. The first one is keeping the worlds of our marriage, and the worlds of our affair, as far apart as they can be. Whether it’s meeting at neutral places or concealing our true identities, there’s a deliberate delineation between what’s seen as our married life and what we know as the affair. The logic here is to stop their orbits from crossing. We don’t want our spouses to find out about the affair and, we don’t want our lovers following us back to our private lives.

Oh yes, that last one is very important. Don’t think for a moment that our lover is always going to be on our wavelength (or vice versa) forever. Shit happens. If things turn south, the resulting damage can ruin lives.

Play it Cool!

It’s easy to get swept up in sexual euphoria and forget our sensibilities but if we have to suddenly jettison the affair because our affair partner wants more than we can give them, the only thing that’ll save us (and our home life) from outside threats is the delineation we installed at the affair’s beginning. If our lover becomes too familiar with home life — where we live, work and socialise, etc, it can work against us. Now, I’m not saying everyone makes threats. Some prefer the love-and-leave-you approach to affairs. What I’m saying is that you can’t tell the difference between someone who says they don’t mind and those who mind it much but say otherwise. Remember, this person isn’t our spouse and probably never will be. Crucial things about our personal life need to be kept private no matter how good the sex is.

Money! Money! Money!

Financial ties. Don’t get involved with loaning money to our lovers or borrowing it from them. The same goes for cars and other significant assets. Keep our stuff to ourselves and let their stuff stay with them. When life is good and bubbly, everything looks fine but if that changes (and it often does), credit and debit debates can turn legal in an instant. Like it or not, this process will threaten to expose your dirty little secret.

Baby, I Don’t Want You!

Something should be said about unwanted pregnancies. If we want to keep an exit door open that leads out of our affair, avoid them. They know what causes that now and there are enough birth control methods to stop pregnancies from happening. Remember, we can’t guarantee our affair partner’s promises (or even our own) will hold. What they promise to do for us today may not carry over to tomorrow. If you want an example of broken promises that you can relate to, then take look in the mirror.

Fairytales. People love them. That includes us too. Once upon a time, we married a perfect lover and then planned to live with them happily ever after. We found out that forever after isn’t a destination — and happily is subjective, reliant on external influences, most of which are out of our control. It happens in marriages, families, working environments, and affairs. We can’t control other people or predict our future. After all, you didn’t predict a sexless marriage and a steamy love affair, did you? Again, your example is the example you can use on others. If you can lie, cheat, change your mind or bend your principles, so can anyone else.

The End.

Which way is the best way to end an affair? Roll the dice to find out. There’s no way to know the outcome of the end until after it’s done and time has passed. That’s why secrets and a line of separation have to remain in place no matter what our heart is trying to tell us. It’d be nice to believe that every ending will be an amicable one. Perhaps it’s better to be open and honest from the start. Let our affair partners know why we’re keeping them at arm’s length and let them get used to it. Chances are, they’ll have a few secrets of their own, which makes understanding and respecting ours that much easier. If they don’t like what we say, we can always end the relationship there and then. If they accept our conditions, perhaps they’ll even warm to some other ground rules we make later. Maybe we’ll even get a lifelong lover out of it!

Happy hunting!

-Michael