Fantasies about Another Lover (While Loving Our Own)

Most of us have had at least one fantasy about making it with someone else (who is not our partner). It’s okay. This is a safe space for people like us. We can talk freely here. No one will know.

Sometimes, our extraordinary fantasies are fleeting. They happen once and never happen again. We call what occurs a glitch, a mistake, a spontaneous apparition of which we had no control, wishing them to never return.

More often than not, fantasies like these stay. They repeat for reasons only our subconsciousness understands and needs.

Let’s take it another step into this taboo.

A few of us even fantasise about that imaginary partner while making out with our real one. And we do it while in the throes of passion.

Whoopsies!

I said this is a safe space to share this topic, right? Good. Remember that. It’s our secret.

Guilt sometimes weasels its way into our mind, which causes us to do stupid things, like sharing this fantasy world with our partner. The question is: Is that the right thing to do? It helps relieve the pressure on one person, but how does that help the other?

Remember, we can’t un-say what was said. When it’s out, then it’s out for good. There’s no going back.

And then, someone intimate with us asks about our fantasy lovers. It could be a trick question. “If you had a choice of sleeping with someone other than me, who would be?”

“Sure, babe. Chris Hemsworth, definitely. You’d have to leave the room. You understand, right?”

“I suppose. Scarlett Johansson is my choice. I couldn’t say no.”

Fantasising about celebrities is a cop-out.

Unobtainable stars let everyone off the hook. The fantasy is expected, and there’s little chance of making good on it. Any fear we might have of our partners running off with them ends as soon as they name them.

But what if our fantasies of doing it with another person point to someone closer to home, like a neighbour, a friend or even our partner’s sibling? Do we reveal those ones to our partners?

They cut to the bone.

Because this is still a safe place for this topic, let’s look at this super-sensitive scenario closely. Let’s hypothesise the results and see how it would affect a relationship.

If the couple in question hooked up last night and started talking about fantasy lovers this morning, they have little to lose. Conversation lines are as open as they were yesterday. If he asks her if she thinks his brother John is hot, she’s more inclined to reply with what’s on her mind. She might even say she imagined doing it with John when doing it with him, as that’s been her fantasy.

Her words don’t hurt because he already knows his brother has more admirers. It’s always been like that. What’s different is that he got laid and is grateful for the sex. One cancels the other. No harm done.*

(*A simplified outcome for a short post.)

Long-term relationships, like marriages, have a different set of dynamics. There’s more invested; therefore, more to lose if a couple doesn’t like what’s being said. The above conversation scenario is unlikely to initiate because it saves much. That doesn’t mean these fantasies don’t happen. It just means they’re not discussed.

“Yes, I’ve always found your sister Anna to be drop-dead sexy. For the last five years, I’ve told myself I’m making it with her every time I’ve done you. Her face gets me over the line.”

“Oh yeah, I married you to imagine your father’s arms wrapped around me. You’re so much like him.”

I bet that conversation kills the marriage instantly.

Hence, we don’t go there.

But, as I said, fantasies like these occur despite our fears of what they mean or do to our relationships. Popping another person’s imaginary face onto our partner’s head to improve our sexual experience with them happens far more often than you think.

Here’s a podcast track I recorded recently to explain my very private fantasy and why I incorporated one into my marriage. I reveal whose face I chose to replace my spouse’s whenever we made love and why I chose them over anyone else.

This is more revealing than I’ve ever been before. Enjoy listening.

-M

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