Are you considering trying the celibate dating scene but are unsure where to look? Are you worried you’ll bump into a horn-bag who’ll want more than you’re willing to give them? Is there a way you can find a potential life partner without that kind of pressure? Is it still possible to become friends first before taking the next step?
Whether you’re entering the dating scene for the first time or coming back into it after a long spell, the option to remain sexually abstinent is a growing trend within our community. Celibacy is on the minds of many people, the only problem is finding a practical way to navigate what appears to be a highly sexualised dating scene. On the surface, there don’t seem to be many options but here are some links that might get you on your way.
Celibate dating is available if you know where to look and then, how to communicate your needs and expectations effectively. Communication is paramount in this matter. I know, I’ve used it and it worked for me, well, kind of.
Celibate dating has pros and cons.
I celibate-dated my then-girlfriend for five years, and then we got engaged. Two years later, we married. So you see, it can work. All you have to do is dip a toe into the water to find out the possibilities. If it can happen for one person, it can happen for another.
Of course, my wife and I never had any children. We never had children because we never had sex. Yes, you read that right, our celibacy continued into the marriage. It didn’t take long for us to get angry at each other and fall silent in-between times. I became bitter and jaded. After ten years, we got divorced. Too much celibacy wasn’t a good thing. We didn’t know when to stop!
(That’s seventeen years of abstinence for those of you counting!)
It’s also why I’m not a fan of long term celibacy. It can mask underlying issues, like fear, guilt and shame. All three of those remained hidden from us while we practised celibacy. Those deep-seated sexual issues never arose until after the wedding day had passed. Unfortunately, we’d incorporated a no-sex regime into our lives for so long that two strange things happened: It exposed my wife’s sexual anxieties; and, we’d made such a comfortable habit out of not going to bed that it seemed odd to go there when we finally could. (Romance novels never tell you that one!)
I married my best friend but we were never lovers.
Transitioning from strangers to friends and then to sex partners, didn’t happen for us. The last bit was stifled, snuffed out. If we weren’t celibate during those early years, we probably would’ve dated for a few months and then had sex. That tempo would’ve worked better. And if the bedroom activity didn’t work out (which would’ve been the case), our lives would’ve diverged sooner than later and we’d not have wasted so much time trying to keep a tragic marriage together. We were simply best friends who shared the same bed. (I’m sure my wife didn’t want a lover, just a nice guy to have around.)
Celibacy did something else. It put sex on a pedestal. It became like some kind of trophy, a reward for self-sacrifice. The more sacrifices we made, the bigger that trophy grew and the higher the pedestal became on which it sat. Eventually, no pedestal could bear its weight and it was crushed. The trophy broke. Sex was destroyed long before it even entered the picture. We meant well but celibacy caused us/me too much damage for it to be repaired.
Sex shouldn’t be made into a prize. It’s meant to be a gift that we give to each other. It’s something we share, equally, willingly. It’s no more or less important than sharing meals with someone, drinks, or having long conversations with each other. Sharing our bodies is just another activity within the tapestry of adult life that we can access if the mood and timing are right. Sex can be light, steamy, breezy, fun, serious, intense, passionate, quirky, or silly — just like anything else we do. It’s meant to be enjoyable and made even better when it’s done with someone you love. If you have fears and anxieties over the act of sex, perhaps it isn’t meant for you… and that’s totally okay too. Asexuality isn’t a disease. It’s just a sexual type. My ex-wife thought she wanted sex but when it came to doing it, it was awful and awkward. Her head was spinning with so many anxieties that it was unpleasant, for both of us. And if something is that unpleasant, you’re not likely to want to do it again, right? She is asexual and that’s that. Sex is not meant for her. She didn’t know it until after we were married and neither did I.
So be careful with your celibate lifestyle and why you’re celibate. Don’t let it consume your relationship like it did for us. Be reasonable. Sex is not evil. It’s not meant to be harmful (not unless that’s your thing) either. It’s supposed to be like seeing sunshine after a week of gloomy days or wrapping a warm blanket around you on an icy cold one. If you fear sex, then that equates to fearing sunshine and blankets. Anxieties over sex are worth fixing. Seek help if you have them. You may not be asexual, just a highly strung person who needs a little loosening to get things into a better perspective before taking the plunge.
SEETHINGS was my outlet for all that bothered me about my sexless marriage. The book started out as a letter that slowly turned into a novel. Not much of the original letter remains (as most of it was sad and depressing.) Instead, I turned it into a liberating story about sexual awareness. With a little creative license, I added extra elements to entertain and thrill. But at its heart is everything I told you (plus more I haven’t) about what celibacy did to our relationship, our marriage and both of our lives. Currently, it’s free to download and read.
If you’re into wanting to understand what makes people choose celibacy and managing the complex struggles/outcomes that go along with it, read SEETHINGS. There may be something in there that resonates with you now or some time into the not-to-distant future.
Five women’s bodies are discovered after the nights of thunderstorms. Their spouses are suspected of the crimes, but it becomes clear that someone else is responsible. There’s no blood and few clues. A storm photographer who specialises in taking pictures of lightning may be the only witness.
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