Sexual Denial: Is Your Spouse Committing a Form of Sexual Abuse?

Has it been over a year since you and your spouse were intimate? Your marriage is probably strained because of it. One of you is refusing the other sex, and the other can’t stand it anymore. The pain is real. The question is: Does this ongoing indifference in the bedroom indicate a pattern of abuse by your partner?

For those who genuinely love our spouses, abuse is a word we’re reluctant to use on them. For the most part, our spouses are good people. Everything about our marriages, but for the sex, is perfectly fine, well, fine enough. Abuse is saved for those people who deliberately hurt others. Ironically, like other forms of abuse, the sufferer is the last to know what’s plainly obvious to anyone else. We are at our partner’s mercy, and it hurts us. They hurt us. It’s abuse. It just doesn’t feel right to say it aloud because it’s such an offensive word.

It’s suggested that one-on-one “personal counselling” takes place before presenting our partners with THAT word during “couple’s counselling”

Couples who believe in monogamy have a duty to each other. For better or worse, we must take responsibility for all aspects of our marriages, of which sex isn’t excluded. Assuming there are no physical restrictions, we must take care of that side of our coupling, too. There could be one small but temporary exception to the rule. If our spouses don’t know of such a problem existing, naivety might excuse them, but only for a while. Once our partners become aware of our needs and our feelings towards the lack of sex in the marriage, their choice not to engage in sex could be considered a deliberate act of abuse.

How do you feel about that statement?

Abuse is a word usually reserved for rapists, molesters, narcissists, bullies and such. Putting our partners into those worlds feels wrong on so many levels. But there is still one clear fact at hand: What they’re doing to us hurts us deeply. It may not be done on purpose, but it hurts just the same. That’s abuse. It’s still abuse. You’re being abused.

Here’s the clincher: If you know how you feel and do not do anything about it, you’re enabling the abuser to continue what they do. You are part of a problem for which you’re partly responsible. As long as you let it happen, it’ll continue. Your pain is here to stay until you decide to make a change. And stay it will.

The Solution:

Get some professional therapy to help communicate with your spouse. You can’t break through this problem alone. In the podcast track above, you’ll hear the words “couple’s counselling” versus “personal counselling”. It’s suggested that one-on-one “personal counselling” takes place well before presenting our partners with THAT horrible word during “couple’s counselling”. It recommends that we allow the professional to hear our words (including ABUSE) so they can interpret them and make sense of our feelings. They can then speak on our behalf during the combined counselling thing, saving us from having to utter the worst of it ourselves.

Counselling should be seen as a tool. Let the professional do the heavy lifting. They will rework our words so it doesn’t sound so harsh to our spouses. It’ll mean everything we need it to without it sounding like an attack. The trick is not to butt in and try to fill in the gaps as they speak. All it does is produce a two-on-one war that makes it look like a war. This is about our marriage’s future, not waging war on an enemy. Keep calm and let the process do its thing.

Guarantees?

Sure. You’ll spend some time and money. I guarantee both of these things.

If you want certainty about your marriage’s sex and overall future, I can’t give you that. You are one-half of a couple. The other half belongs to someone else. It’s partly up to them to choose what path it takes.

Remember your first kiss? You never knew if the feelings were shared or even reciprocated by the other person. You took a chance, and here you are.

Remember when you two first connected, your future was uncertain and unwritten too. When it comes to long-term intimacy with the person we married, nothing is guaranteed. We do the best we can and hope things work out. In spite of the promises, vows, beliefs, hopes and dreams we have and make with our partner, things can get off track. It takes a strong couple to get back on it. The first step is admitting you’re being abused. The next one is up to both of you!

-Michael

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