Sexless Marriages on The Increase?

How do you advise a couple who have not had sex together for close to two years? This was one of the interventions I had over the week. Both are under 50 and have been married for less than 20 years. They are both committed to the welfare of their three lovely children, the church and the care of their extended families.

There is no dispute of any sort between them, and they are not separated by distance either, as they live together and see each other every day. It was not a complaint by either of them.

I chanced upon it during a conversation on another issue totally unrelated to their sex life with the wife. She did not seem disturbed by my concern that it was not a normal situation and there was a need to do something about it. According to this sister, there were too many important issues and events in her life, and sex was not one of them. Besides, she would not allow any man to use her body to satisfy his sexual urges such that in her old age, her body would not work for her! I was surprised.

So, how does her husband feel about this? Well, he has no choice but to accept her wishes.

She says she is not worried that he might walk away as they have both agreed that there will be no divorce, whatever happens. As I write, she has not agreed that I speak to her husband about it. Sexless marriages or relationships are becoming relatively common these days. Before now, it was normal to hear stories of married couples abstaining from sexual intimacy for three or four months at a stretch for no serious reason or damage to their relationship. But these days, it appears the situation is taking more grievous twists and turns and for not-so-important reasons, too.

And now you can actually hear people say they have not had sex with their partners for several years, and the two are still in a relationship. As what, if I may ask? Mother and father? Sister and brother? It is normal that when you are married or are in a long-term relationship, the tendency for things to fall into a routine is very high. Because it is assumed or silently accepted that the partners are stuck together either by law, mutual respect for each other or some undeclared considerations, couples tend to take each other for granted and do not make enough effort at pleasing, pleasuring each other, investing in or improving on their sex life. Many assume sex is a foregone issue that must be performed between them, any which way. The hustle and bustle of life, work and family can also become overwhelming, taking fun to the back burner, same with caring for the children, cooking and housekeeping, and making and managing family finances.

Those lucky to have someone to hold on to and share their lives with ought to do so with utmost care and devotion, as life in these times has become rather short and unpredictable. One of the first steps to be taken is to improve your communication skills. Children are perhaps the best source of information if you want to investigate how a couple lives together.

There have been reports of stories from children who’d innocently called their parents abusive names simply because that is what they have heard them call each other. Or of children describing what their parents do when they are home as daddy sleeping or reading newspapers while mummy does all the work in addition to also going to work. Couples must learn to be intimate with each other. Intimacy is not just sex or making out; it is the general attitude when they are together. It includes talking, assisting each other, playing together, including reading the same things if reading is what your partner loves to do. That way you can have something to talk about later and share your views on the issues.

There are so many things a couple can do together to bring them closer besides sex that will improve their sex life. You must create or maintain a bond. It is not the children that will bond you together, nor is it the property or investments and responsibilities you share together. This lady assumes that the church or Christianity is their bond forever. Most relationships that hang on these assumptions are usually not fun to be in. It sounds more like two business partners living together and there is a high chance that the partners would cheat. And when this happens, even to the knowledge of the other partner, usually the wife, she either looks the other way or eventually loses out.

No matter how difficult or busy you both are, please try to make time for intimacy.

Most people don’t have to go to work at weekends, yet you find out that many partners tend to do their own things or make their own plans, excluding their other half. For many, going out means they are attending a social function or even a family meeting. I have heard guys say they cannot follow their wives to the market! I think that is ridiculous, and it will not make a man less macho if he does. Depending on your status and environment, there are many places that you can visit together or shop together, such as the mall, the shops, the barbershop, or the salon or spa. If the children are still young, get someone older and responsible enough to take care of them, or take them to your parents or family members that you trust. When they are old enough to take care of themselves for a few days, take a trip. And it does not have to be expensive too. Unfortunately, the concept of travel and trips in Nigeria connotes that you have some money to spend or waste, depending on the observer. So, for many, travelling means you are going on a spending or shopping spree. But you don’t have to be discouraged; do only what you think is appropriate and can afford to. Try as much as possible not to alienate each other from family and friends. The concept of “me and my husband or wife” may have its advantages but it has limitations too. No man is an Island, after all. However, on a more serious note, this is one concept that causes a lot of friction in families. Perhaps because of our own insecurities and fears, many partners try to isolate the other from his or her family and friends for one reason or another, whether real or unfounded. The truth of life is that at one point, we will need family and friends around us, and this does not necessarily have anything to do with financial assistance.

The great music maestro, Chief Ebenezer Obey in one of his evergreen songs, stated that the roles of partners are clear and different from that of parents. While love relationships can come to an end at any time, according to him, the relationship between a child and its parents will last their lifetimes. And when things turn sour, it is to your family that you turn to for support, especially emotional support. If you are in a relationship where your partner constantly says or does things that will not foster a good relationship between you and your parents and family members, then there is a problem. Besides, love me, love my dog, they say. Many people are guilty of this, so try as much as possible to make amends. It is good for your relationship in the long run and brings you closer to each other.

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