The Karaoke Hierarchal Tree

To most, karaoke is just a bit of light-hearted fun, enjoying a drink and singing your heart out at the local bar. Like all social interaction, there’s a tree of hierarchy that underpins these fun events. It’s an eye-opener once you have a peek at the secrets.

I’m about to reveal what most people don’t get to see — what goes on behind the scenes. It’ll make your next karaoke experience extraordinary as you guess who’s inside the room and where in the hierarchy structure they fit.

Twenty years ago, I picked up my first karaoke microphone. Since then, I’ve sung every week, moved states, and sung almost everywhere. I’ve even taken part in competitions. I’ve seen it all and met the people I’m about to mention.

When you meet then, there’s an exciting tapestry of talent and personalities at each karaoke show.

Accidental Karaokers

These party folks didn’t go to the bar to sing. They went for something else: a birthday party or something similar, unrelated to singing. They heard a terrible singer screech out a popular tune — and then figured they could do no worse. Perhaps a dare inspired the decision to give it a go.

When it comes time to sing, the AK’s often drag their entire party of friends to the stage. Their best singer holds the microphone while the rest sing acapella. Instagramming and Tick-Toking become part of AK’s karaoke performance as they take pics while doing their thing.

Frustrated Rock / Pop Karaoker

This singer used to be in a band. Their voice sounds confident and strong — and they’ll tell you they could’ve gone far if their former band got their big break. A thin veneer of bitterness coats every comment that follows. More extended conversations reveal that it wasn’t the band members who had the creative differences.

While waiting for the next band to discover and appreciate their talent, they continue to perform via karaoke shows and open-mike nights. This singer almost always asks the host to adjust the fold-back before starting the music track. You might even hear a Check One, Two, Three, come from the speakers!

The Song Changer

Some singers can’t settle with their song choices and keep changing them throughout the night. They drive the karaoke host crazy with their constant requests to switch their sons. Song changers are instantly recognisable. They do two things: 1) They pick a table that’s close to the host, and 2) They are at the host’s control desk more often than any other singer. If you look carefully, the host may show a telltale sign of frustration after each contact.

Kranky Frank

Kranky Frank is a chronic criticizer — of the singers, the singers’ choices of songs, audiences, and bar prices. Mostly, they criticize the host’s sound quality. There’s never enough volume pumped into the speakers to make the best use of their vocal talent. They are karaokers who visit various karaoke venues seeking a better sound mix when, in fact, they are seeking more appreciative audiences. When they don’t get them, they blame the host’s sound quality before storming out the door. If there are six other karaoke venues nearby, expect to see them once every seven or so weeks.

Social Karaoker

These are the regulars. Consider them to be blow fly equivalents who sing, rather than occupy a bar stool. These karaokers sing the same songs at the same bar the same way, every week. They say they go for the social element but most secretly want to be rock stars for a night. Bar owners love and hate them. Regulars are bread-and-butter customers, but their small repertoires make them dull to listen to.

Regulars believe they have the right of way to all things karaoke and absolutely hate blow-ins who jump the cue. And if there’s a karaoke competition at the venue, regulars expect to win because they spend money at the bar weekly. They’ll complain to management if it looks like the blow-ins will take the prizes, no matter the level of talent showing up to participate in the comp.

Competition Chaser

Karaoke bars/shows offer cash prizes for great singing. This attracts singers from everywhere. They often sing better and deliver superior performances than the regulars. They come from a range of backgrounds and stage experiences. While the social regulars enter the comp and use the radio hits from their two-song repertoire, comp-chasers will pull material from anywhere. It’s not unusual to hear opera being sung at a karaoke comp.

The politics that follows a karaoke competition is incredible. (I don’t envy what bar managers/owners have to go through after the competition is over.)

Musical Theatre Karaoker

Diction. If you don’t know the lyrics to a song, you will when someone from a musical theatre background sings it. These karaokers don’t sound or look anything like regular karaoke singers. They smile and gaze directly at the audience when they sing. They’ll even take a proper bow at the end. The singer studies the audience before choosing their song and decides that Phantom of The Opera would be too much. Instead, they go with something quirky from Bjerk and get a standing ovation. The bar’s owner usually gives them a free drink and thanks them for rescuing the night from the regulars!

The ‘I’m Waiting To Be Discovered’ Karaoker

TIWTBDK is found in all age groups but the one I see the most is above forty. They were a pretty good singer when they were younger — and a large bunch of work colleagues encouraged them to get back into it by giving it a go at a local karaoke show. Karaoke is seen as a gateway to a new music career and everyone goes along to help make that happen. The singing is good but not great. Their notes are a little flat and there’s even an unplanned warble or two during the longer ones. Their friends don’t care. They give out a tremendous cheer which gives the singer an illusion that the rest of the crowd is on-side and ready to download their first album when it drops. The singer smiles broadly and, for a while, rides an emotional high — returning the following week to get more of the same. Some of their friends won’t attend their week-two performance and even lesser show for week three. As the weeks go by, the cheers won’t ever be as loud as it was on the first night. One of two things will happen: 1. The singer will grow bored and leave or, 2. fall into the circle of two-song repertoire regulars and stay.

The ‘I’m Available’ Karaoker.

You get a peacock performance when you mix karaoke with a confident, horny single. It’s not about singing ability it’s about doing a mating dance. Yes, the performance is done to get laid. It can be geeky, hardcore or humorous as it likes, it just has to look confident because this is attractive to other horny singles. I hear the TIAK success rate is pretty high.

-Michael

P.S. Next time I’ll tell you about the hosts who run the shows. That’s another eye-popping story I’m ready to reveal.