I’m 17 and I Don’t Care Anymore

I never knew it was possible to feel this empty and still be breathing. The one thing that mattered is gone. People keep calling it a breakup, like it’s some normal thing you just walk away from and learn from, but that’s bullshit. I hate them!

She wasn’t just a girlfriend. She was my person. She was me. We were one. Our whole future was planned. And now it’s just… nothing. Nothing.

She says we grew apart. That she’s been feeling it for a while. I don’t buy her BS. Growing apart is too easy, like nobody did anything wrong. She probably cheated. At least then I can hate someone — her, him, myself — instead of sitting with this stupid feeling that I wasn’t enough. I replay every conversation, every time I should’ve said something different, every joke that didn’t land, every message I didn’t send fast enough. If I could just find the exact moment I ruined it, maybe I could undo it.

I’ve tried everything since she ended it. Long messages. Short messages. Apologies. Promises. Leaving her alone for a few days and then checking in “just to see how she’s going.” Every move I try somehow makes it worse. I can feel her pulling further away with every text I send, but not texting her feels worse. Silence feels like dying. Seeing “seen” and no reply is torture. Watching her online, posting stories, laughing with people who aren’t me — it’s like I’m watching my replacement audition in real time.

Friends were supposed to help, but now they’re just another reminder that I lost more than her. Some of them don’t talk to me anymore. Some act weird. One couple clearly picked her side. I don’t blame them — she’s easier to be around now. She’s fine. I’m the mess. I’m the guy who can’t shut up about it. I feel stupid for thinking people would care about me. It just makes me feel smaller. More wasted.

Everyone keeps telling me this isn’t the end of the world. That there will be other relationships. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t care. They don’t get it. She was my identity. Who am I supposed to be without her texts, her laugh, her hand in mine? I don’t know how to be a person without her.

I keep thinking if I do the right thing — say the right words, give her enough space but not too much, become better somehow — she’ll come back. She has to. We’re perfect. Because if she doesn’t, then this pain was pointless. And I don’t know how to live in a world where the thing that mattered most to me can just decide it doesn’t matter anymore. Without her, I’m not okay. I’m not strong. I’m not moving on. I’m just here, hoping she changes her mind, because if she doesn’t… I honestly don’t know what I’ll do.

–Michael (Dark Fiction. Author of SEETHINGS (the first book), free for a limited time)