Do you want to fix your partner’s fading or faded libido? Are you researching the Internet for answers because the sex at home has dwindled? Read on for more.
Sex is a natural desire, and it’s only natural that you want to be with your partner, right? You want answers on how to show them to see it this way, okay? A new and better level of physical intimacy is just around the corner.
Well, you’ve found the right place to find the best and proper answer.
Short answer: You can’t change your partner’s libido.
Longer answer: It’s nice that you think something like that is repairable. Trying to make a difference shows that you care. Your optimism reflects dedication and love. Unfortunately, these aren’t enough. I know this reads as pretty uncomfortable text—and you’re about two seconds away from exiting this page—but hear me out.
Take a look at this site. Is it sponsored by anyone? There are no medication banners, dating sites, counselling links, or ads.
All I have is my personal experience to offer: 10 years in a sexless marriage with years of marriage counselling behind it. I’ve listened to and read thousands of stories about sexless marriages. What I discovered supports my thoughts. Everyone believes the repair job can be done and the sex will be fixed, but most do not reach this point. Yes, we can show them love and patience, but that rarely helps.
Let’s make it simple. Low libido isn’t an illness. Our sex changes. Our bodies don’t remain the same. There’s nothing to be fixed. We’ve got to stop thinking something is broken. And it’s not your fault either. Often, it’s nothing to do with us at all. Libido is like food appetites. Some of us eat in great gulps, and others pick like sparrows. Some eat regularly, while others hardly eat at all. What we need to come to terms with is our understanding of how we can adjust to change.
You either accept and live with the differences, negotiate with your partner, or get the hell out.
What’s normal when it comes to sexual frequency?
Normal? You’ve got to be kidding! Normal? Don’t even make me try to give you a number. That’s not fair.
But what a powerful word weapon NORMAL is when we use it against our partners. What is normal when it comes to libido and sex? To be honest, it changes with age. It changes with the length of the relationship. It changes with health. Stress plays a role. Routine affects it. Boredom affects it.
I can’t speak for everyone, but I have my own experience that I’ll share:
- Teens to my 20’s: Horny plus. I had a girlfriend who took everything I gave and never said no. Three times a day, more on holidays. Lots of oral, various positions, giggles and much fun.
- Early 20’s: Still horny. Once a night, sometimes a second turn in the morning.
- Mid 20’s: Dating. Celibate partner. No sex.
- Late 20’s: Married. Little to nothing. Once a month the first year. Once a year for the following 6 years. No oral. Missionary only. As quick as possible.
- Mid-30s to current: Married but having an affair. No sleepovers. Sex goes as long as possible. Highly aggressive two-hour sessions, meeting up once every two or three weeks.
I am heterosexual. I’ve performed anal a few times in the past but it’s not something I need to do. Now I’ve done it I don’t see the fascination. I figure there’s a softer, sweeter, wetter place for a boy to visit than take on a dirty, dry hole. I also like the lights on during sex. Seeing her is a significant part of my sexuality. If I couldn’t be allowed to see her then I wouldn’t stay. I need to touch her and be touched by her. I have sensitive palms and I like having them stroked by her fingers. I like feeling her hair tickle my chest when she rides me.
I like her to feel feminine so I can feel masculine.
The question I have been asked by lovers a few times has been: “Why do you take so long to come?”
The answer is simple: Why rush? I like a naked woman under, beside or on top of me so much that I don’t want to miss a part of her or waste my time. She’s as much a visual feast as a touching one. It’s not hard for me to hold off. I don’t always need to finish off to enjoy my time with her.
This is MY kind of normal, but it’s not everyone’s kind of normal. With my current and unusual situation at hand, it’s difficult to measure normal. There’s no sex at home but copious amounts of intense sex outside it.
Yes, I know I’m probably over-compensating. And the aggression in my sex says much, too. My lover doesn’t seem to mind, though. She likes a bit of push and shove. It tips her over, knowing a man is in the driving seat.
But it’s not the lover I really am. At least, I don’t think so. It’s the anger talking, the anger I hold over my wife for not participating in sex. There is a lot of guilt. Sure, I feel guilty about using that anger on my lover. I also feel guilty about cheating on my wife. There’s nothing I can do about either of them. This is what has to happen to make life more bearable. Samantha won’t play, but someone else can.
Now, my new normal is knowing that these indifferences are all totally okay with me.
There is no such thing as normal in sex. The word we should be using in place of it should be comfortable.
Read all you want about measuring sex. Research yourself to the depths of the best well-intended wisdom, you can’t change someone else’s libido. Counselling might expose the rawness of emotion underlying the truth. Occasionally, there’ll be glimmers of briefly lived hope, but, in the end, lifelong change in sex isn’t possible. Your partner’s choice is theirs to make. You can only change your own.
It comes down to looking at your life and those realistic options you can control.
Your options in getting through a sexless relationship:
- Stay and endure sexlessness.
- Seek professional help.
- Open relationship.
- Secret affair.
- Get out.
Mine isn’t an abrupt or brutal approach to sexual counsel. It’s just reality from one who’s experienced four years of counselling. These five options are the ones I paid money to discover. You now get them for free.
Counselling does offer one tiny thing: It’s like a highlighter pen to the key issues of you and your partner’s sex. Like I said earlier, libido isn’t something you can negotiate. It either happens or it doesn’t.
In my case, I talked until I was blue. I had to go elsewhere covertly because she didn’t see that we had a problem. I love my wife, but I can’t stand not having sex. I separated love and sex… so I could rationalise my decision to encourage personal change.
And now I have a blissful night of passionate lovemaking once every couple of weeks and peace in between times. I’ve not felt this calm in years. I’m even dreaming and sleeping through the night again!
The conflict is gone. My wife is smiling again. And that counts.
-K (My sexless marriage is written in SEETHINGS. It’s downloadable and free for a limited time)
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I’ve had issues like this in the past, but I never cheated… unless you count “emotional affairs” which means just talking to a member of the opposite to get the attention you feel your lacking. I always seem to be the person wanting more and more. It puts me in an awkward position because as a woman, I feel like a man should initiate.
I don’t mean to pry, but have you tried therapy? Sex therapists? Or talking it out? Anything is better than betrayal of sacred vows, which leads to the guilt you mentioned in your article. I couldn’t live with myself, but that’s me- not you.
Right now I’m single and celibate. It’s not the best situation but it’s giving me time to evaluate what I want and don’t want in a relationship.
Hi Drem. Yes, we’ve had counselling and sex therapy for years. No real success.
As far as betrayal of vows: Vows say nothing of sex so it’s impossible to say betrayal has occured. Love isn’t necessarily about sex and anything else is assumed. Faithful is there. So is trust. Where is sex? I hate that inequality in vows. I know I’m breaking a vow by doing what I’m doing but she isn’t guilty of anything. My wife is a stickler for details like that. She then uses them at the appropriate times it suits. -M