A sexless marriage can feel extra lonely for a second reason. If you’re not the type to whine about not getting laid, you’re probably keeping the emotion from it to yourself and it’s been building. That means the frustration you feel is multiplied. And now, you’re doing research on books about sexless marriages to find answers. Fast!
Fourteen years. That’s my experience in this highly specialised, yet sad little field. No, I’m not a doctor. I’m a sufferer, just like you.
My spouse doesn’t play. We’re old-school and believe in monogamy — which means if my spouse doesn’t do sex, then I can’t enjoy sex. Not at all. That’s the deal. I didn’t ask for this lifestyle, but I’ve landed myself squarely into it anyway. Maybe that’s yours too. If you’ve discovered my post, I bet it is. I’m sorry you are where you find yourself.
I wrote a book about the vicious emotional cycle associated with having a dead bedroom. Actually, a novel — fiction — to protect the guilty parties and events that took place over those fourteen years, including the counselling sessions that occurred during the last four of them.
Relationship psychology and marriage self-help books are available (if that’s what you’re after) everywhere you look. There are lots of them out there. Each claims to share secrets that help keep the spark alive. Some offer fantastic clues on how to rescue the relationship from the brink of disaster. Others are a total waste of money. The one that’s not yet published is the one that admits you’ve both come to the end of your time together and gives you the courage to end your marriage.
A promise of sadness just doesn’t sell.
My wisdom comes from texts I wrote in a secret letter to my spouse the day after it was over. It was never intended to be read by anyone — just a way to get the emotion out of me. Like you, I was already bursting at the seams to say something. I wanted to scream. Rather than shout and lose respect for myself and my spouse, I wrote the words down. After thirteen days, I collapsed in a heap. My internalised anger was shared by way of words.
The resulting letter was a mess — a plethora of accusations, missed opportunities, point scoring, petty domestic laundry lists and disappointments. On paper, it was a disaster. I know that now. I couldn’t stand to read the misery of my marriage in my own damn voice! It was obvious that the end was near, for the writing and the marriage.
Divorce. It happened. It also helped. I could finally justify why I wasn’t having sex.
Ironically, this new mindset eased things. Yes, I was sad over the breakup but no sadder than before it. My brain started to rewire itself. I could dream again. I was free to write the story I wanted to, about a sexless marriage like my very own (adding in extra elements for entertainment). It didn’t need to be in the form of a letter. There was no need to shout out with scathing vitriol at the end of my tongue. I just needed to tell a confident story about a married couple who got caught in a no-sex cycle and what might happen to them if that situation went on for too long and it was never resolved.
To answer one question you may have: No, I/we don’t have children. We planned for them but there was no sex. It was an extremely unique situation, which is why: 1). I’m able to tell you; 2). The story is such a good read. You’re in for a treat!
The book is free to download and read. Yes. Free. All I ask is a brief review to be made on Goodreads.com after you’re done with it (no catches). It’ll help me promote the book and its sequel (and another currently in production) to people like you, for other sexless people to enjoy.
I can’t promise you that reading my novel will repair your marriage. I’d love to say it would. I really do. The best I can offer is the experiences I put into it. Maybe, you’ll feel stronger for having it in your possession. There’s a slim possibility your spouse might ask you about what you’re reading. Your answer may contain complex words or, alternatively, the same selected few I used with our counsellor (inside the book). What happens afterwards is up to you and your spouse. No guarantees.
Thanks for taking the time to seek out this page and make it this far. You must be in a world of hurt. I wish you well. Big hugs from another sufferer. -Michael