6 Month Relationship Turns Sexless

I have been seeing a guy for about six months now and he is great — intelligent, attractive, creative, and hilarious. We behave like a couple in all ways, but our relationship is at the moment sexless. Over the duration of us seeing each other, we have only ever had sex twice, the second time being almost two months ago now. The first time he was unable to perform, was incredibly embarrassed, and I think he may still be hung up about that even though I assured him it wasn’t a big deal to me at all. We definitely still have chemistry and even talk sexually all the time, but he’s been coming up with excuses not to do it. I really care about and am attracted to my guy, but I’m not sure how to bring up his hesitancy toward sex without potentially hurting his pride. After getting shut down a few times, I’m also lacking in confidence to just go for it and initiate sex, so we are in a real rut. What should I do?

When guys have trouble performing, they often get squirrelly. As hard as it can be for a guy to get it up, it can be harder for him to get over it. And performance anxiety is just that — anxiety. People react to anxiety in all kinds of ways, and it sounds like your guy is avoiding his, which is completely normal but not particularly productive.

It’s lovely that you worry about hurting his pride, but you’re right: You do need to find a way to bring this up. Since he’s shutting you down when you make a pass, I think the best option is probably to gently but seriously raise the issue. Then, don’t let him dodge or cut off the conversation.

Start with flattery. Tell him what you told me — that he’s “great, intelligent, attractive, creative, hilarious.” And tell him you think he’s hot. Tell him you think sex is an important part of any relationship, then say, “I want to have sex with you, so let’s figure this out.” Notice I said, “Let’s figure this out.” Yes, he’s the one who was “unable to perform,” but both of you need to work on your sexual relationship.

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